Skip to content

The New Family Member

Friday, January 22, 2010

Imagine my surprise to see Mom and Dad come home last weekend with this:

Animal!

Yes. That is a dog.

The humans call her Annie. I call her Suck-up. She adores Mom so much that it’s sick. She jumps in her arms, her lap, her shoulder, her face — anything just so Mom will give her affection. Dogs are stupid. Furthermore, Mom and Dad are stupid for buying her affectionate behavior.

But there are good points to having a beast such as a dog around. First of all, she brings a new variety of food to the house and I am NOT too proud for dog food. Second, she warms up the chair so I can sit on it later.

I maintain my dislike for all other creatures other than myself, but this dog isn’t so bad. She doesn’t bother me like Piper does — this morning, Piper attempted to wrap her mouth around my jugular and then bit my Achilles tendon. She doesn’t run and hide at every noise like Phoebe. But best of all, she’s QUIET.

She hogs my spot in the sunlight, however.

Filed in Daily Cat Life | Tagged | Comments (1)

Wrestlemania

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Dear friends,

Aren’t you glad we cats don’t have holidays? If we were like humans and celebrated the existence of food, we’d have a holiday everyday. But since we do not, my sisters and I spent that human holiday of Thanksgiving like we do every day: relaxing in the sun.

As you know, I have two really simple-minded sisters. Piper is the “cute” one, while Phoebe is the “sweet” one. Piper is also the annoying one, but she doesn’t see it that way. She doesn’t see how anyone one, human or feline, could find her pawing, hitting, biting, and gnawing anything but “cute.” I’ll challenge her on that, but Phoebe is sweet, which I see as being a pushover. When she tries to rest, Piper will sneak up on her and attack her. Case in point, the following series of pictures. The three of us were lounging in the kitchen, breathing in the aroma of mom and dad’s cooking, when Piper decided to break the calm and paw at Phoebe’s tail:

DSC_0003DSC_0005DSC_0008DSC_0009DSC_0012This went on for several minutes. Eventually, Phoebe got tired of Piper’s shenanigans…

DSC_0015…and got a hit in.

DSC_0016Let me explain why it’s not a good idea to annoy Phoebe for too long. Unlike Piper and I, Phoebe still has front claws. I am smart enough to know what I she could accomplish with her claws, but unfortunately for Piper (and fortunately for my amusement), she doesn’t get it.

But Phoebe doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s weak of her, but oh well. “Let’s not fight,” she said. “Let’s sit down in this warm sun and relax some more.”

DSC_0020I took this time to get up and tell them to settle down:

DSC_0023“Sister-cats,” I said. “That’s quite enough rough-housing. Behave yourselves. You’re both highly undignified.”

And then I stretched, laid down, and decided to take a nap in all of that sun. If they weren’t using it, I sure was:

DSC_0025DSC_0026We could have been a triumvirate.

DSC_0027However, I was not allowed to get comfortable yet. No sooner did I lay down did Piper decide she wanted to annoy me:

DSC_0029DSC_0030DSC_0031DSC_0032DSC_0033What happened next, friends, is exactly this: Piper got up and attacked me — unprovoked! I never said anything about her birth mother, no matter what she tells you.

I was lying there innocently when all of a sudden, she gets up and goes for my jugular:

DSC_0034DSC_0036DSC_0037As you can see, I was blindsided by Piper’s vicious attack. I looked to my other sister for help:

DSC_0038“Phoebe!” I demanded. “Get off your fat orange duff and help me! Use those claws that you still have!”

But Phoebe didn’t seem to care too much about my predicament and just sat there like a big, orange lump of useless bones:

DSC_0042“Sweet” one, my tail.

Piper and I wrestled for a few agonizing seconds — agonizing for her, that is. I am actually a skilled wrestler that can take on the biggest of creatures, even when they sit on my chest like this:

DSC_0040DSC_0041DSC_0043Eventually, my fighting prowess bested her, and she walked away before I could do any major damage to her incredibly delicate body:

DSC_0044However, my energy had yet to be spent. I felt indestructible! So much so, I decided that I might take on another opponent…

“Hey, Phoebe,” I purred. “Want to wrestle?”

DSC_0045She politely declined. Smart move, but somewhat disappointing.

In conclusion, my dear cat friends — remember that if you are harder, better, faster, stronger than your siblings, make sure they know it. Even the ones with claws.

Hope you had a good holiday.

Yours very truly,

Thor.

Filed in Letters to Friends | Tagged , | Comments Off

Cleaning Day

Monday, November 23, 2009

My humans cleaned the house this weekend. I don’t like cleaning days, because usually I end up being jostled from one room to the next and I never get more than an hour’s sleep total.

The three of us react very differently to cleaning days. Piper gets into a tight spot and observes:

Hiding on the computer.

Hiding on the computer.

Phoebe, however, was terrified of the noises and wound up hiding under mom’s desk:

Scared

Scared

I, on the other hand, found that mom and dad’s bed was the best place to avoid the noise and jostling. I managed to get a fair amount of sleep, too:

DSC_0141Ahh…

Filed in Daily Cat Life | Tagged , , | Comments (1)

Cat Songs

Monday, November 16, 2009

In my spare time (between wrestling with my sisters and taking long, comfortable naps on the couch), I like to compose songs. Here’s a few you may have heard before:

  • “Let Me Into The Bedroom (Waaao Waaao Waaao)”
  • “Why Won’t You Let Me Have That?”
  • “Refill My Food Bowl, Refill My Heart”
  • “There Is Another Male Cat Outside I Can Smell Him I Don’t Want Him Around My House Any More Please Give Me a Treat”
  • “Look At Me! Look At This Thing I’m Doing! (But Don’t Touch Me)”

I expect to win a Grammy this year.

Filed in Daily Cat Life | Tagged | Comments (1)

Chicken Dinner? Yes Please!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Dear Friends,

It’s difficult being a cat, let alone a cat-god like myself.  It’s difficult to communicate your wants and needs with humans since our tongue is far superior to the human tongue, which is so simple that it took me less than a year to master. I had to learn the ins and outs of human sentence structure to realize that humans are incapable of even thinking like a cat. For this reason, we should pity humans and not damn them as often as we do.

That being said, humans do not take my cat-godliness seriously, which often results in a much-needed smiting. When it is clear that you want whatever food the humans are currently handling and they still do not give it to you, even after verbally announcing and physically prodding that you want it, by all means smite your humans. This could mean anything from a casual nip, a swipe with the paw, or a superfluous “brown present” in the hallway. I am not a patient cat. I do not have time to sit around and wait for my humans to “get it.” If my intentions are obvious, I tend to be a bit less sympathetic to their tiny brains.

Case in point, last night my dad brought home several delicious-smelling pieces of chicken from wherever humans get their food. They smell glorious, friends — absolutely amazing. Immediately after I caught the first whiff of such an aroma I patiently waited for dad to offer me a piece:

DSC_0088But did he? No! Apparently, humans are so insipid they cannot take the hint when I’m being courteous. I could see that this would take more than just sitting beside the table. I would have to take action:

DSC_0105Nothing! Not even a tiny strip of succulent meat! I ignored that awful round dish known as pizza. I love pizza, but this was my mom’s disgusting vegetarian concoction. (Another reason why I think humans are stupid — why on Bast’s great Earth would any creature choose vegetables to live on?) Even after loudly announcing my intent on receiving the chicken, I still could not get my dad to relent and give me any. Though it disappointed me to admit this to myself, I would need some help — help in the form of cute.

DSC_0108My sister, Piper. Oh, look — can’t you see the wheels turning in that fat little head of hers? Unlike me, she possesses no superior intellect over human beings. However, mom and dad have labeled her “cute,” and “cute” is something I can work with. Not that I don’t have an exorbitant amount of attractiveness, I would rather be intimidating than cute any day. Piper on the other hand will never amount to anything other than cute. I would have recruited Phoebe, but she refuses to be anything other than sweet and polite to mom and dad. At least Piper knows how to be bold, albeit daft.

“Sister-cat,” I said. “Go up there and convince dad to give me — er, us — that chicken.”

“LULZ K BRB” she babbled, and waddled right up to the table. I sat on the other side of the room, casually glancing at her progress but remaining inconspicuous at the same time. To my horror, this is what she did:

DSC_0094

DSC_0096DSC_0098

DSC_0100DSC_0103

“No, you insufferable moron!” I exclaimed. “Not the napkin! The chicken! The chicken!”

“I CAN HAZ NAPKIN?”

“No! Not napkin! Chicken! Chicken!”

“O SRY BAI.” And then she waltzed off. I was incensed. Apparently, if I wanted anything done around here I would have to do it myself. I decided to give it another try:

DSC_0109DSC_0112NOTHING. I could not get ANY CHICKEN from dad. He said, “Sorry, dude. It’s too spicy. It’ll burn your tongue and nostrils.” Of course, that’s up for ME to decide, not HIM. But since there was little else I could do, I sank to the floor in defeat:

DSC_0115Sigh.

Defeated Temporarily,

Thor, god of cats.

Filed in Letters to Friends | Tagged , , | Comments Off